Puppets and lumps

So I haven't written in ages. In the meantime, I completed a 3-week geriatrics attachment. I have to admit, I really wasn't looking forward to geris - double incontinence and dementia didn't exactly inspire. However, in actuality it was really just general medicine and a good opportunity to revise cardiac, GI and neuro (that's heart, tummy and noggin) examinations. All in preparation for the dreaded OSCE, or Objective Structured Clinical Examination. Think 24 random, unknown histories/exams/procedures in 3 hours. Think butterflies in the stomach and a frozen tongue. Think worse than a driving test. Seriously. So it was nice to be asked to do said exams, suddenly realise I couldn't even remember the basics ("inspection, percussion, palpation? or is it... and when do I use the stethoscope? F**k!") and be spurred into frantic revision.

One patient however did give me a little encouragement. We were being taught by a JHO (that's Junior House Officer or "F1" doctor as they're now called) who happened to be the absolute best kind of JHO for teaching - arrogant and loved the sound of his own voice. The shy/nice JHOs are too worried about their patients, or too nervous that their brains haven't yet morphed into medical encylopedias, to teach. Anyway, so he was like "Medical students! Great! YOU" - points at me - "can do a DRE! *cackle*". So, like the obedient little medical student I am, I trotter off for supplies. On the way back, a nurse says "Hey, whatcha doin' with that KY Jelly?" "Um, a DRE", I reply shyly (but actually quite proud that I'm doing an actual activity! Something that will help a patient! Am I a real, live person yet? I'm helping somebody!). The nurse grins at ArrogantDoctor, "She doesn't need a DRE! You're being mean to the medical student!" ArrogantDoctor: "She needs to learn. *cackle*". I stopped feeling like a real, live person and started feeling like a puppet existing solely for the amusement of ArrogantDoctor. Let's not even get started on the ethics of doing pointless examinations on patients, even one as near-comatose with dementia as this one. Regardless I went off to do my first ever DRE. On my return I said, "Aha so you wanted me to find that mass right?" *pause* "Mass? What mass?" "Well the one hanging out of her back passage..." "There's a mass?... Er. Let me go and look." Cue another DRE (poor patient) and a slightly shame-faced doctor.
Me: "See it?"
AD: "Yup".
Me: "You really should biopsy that".
AD: "Yup."
Me: "*cackle*"

Hey, I may actually have helped somebody!

xxx